“Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to yourself. How about that for a bold idea? Throw out the notion of referencing yourself against others. It would be so easy to compare and put yourself down. You can all too easily waste time and obscure your own potential by trying to match someone else’s. I figure that the great ones thought differently and let their truths guide them no matter what cost. At the end of the day, you can’t fuck with it. When you compare, you immediately ensnare yourself with a ton of variables and assumptions that can pull you off the trail. Anyone who thinks for themselves and acts upon these thoughts stands a chance.”—Henry Rollins, Smile, You’re Traveling (via anaees)
I believe the stories I’ve been told about the end of your life flashing before your eyes. Because when I’ve walked away from every man I’ve loved…the day I’ve known it was over our history plays over in my mind in flashes, in waves, incessantly, unexpectedly. Until I want to surrender and scream, “Take me away.”
"How is man to recognize his full self, his full power through the eye’s of an incomplete woman? The woman who has been stripped of Goddess recognition and diminished to a big ass and full breast for physical comfort only. The woman who has been silenced so she may forget her spiritual essence because her words stir too much thought outside of the pleasure space. The woman who has been diminished to covering all that rots inside of her with weaves and red bottom shoes.
I am sure the men, who restructured our societies from cultures that honored woman, had no idea of the outcome. They had no idea that eventually, even men would render themselves empty and longing for meaning, depth and connection. There is a deep sadness when I witness a man that can’t recognize the emptiness he feels when he objectifies himself as a bank and truly believes he can buy love with things and status. It is painful to witness the betrayal when a woman takes him up on that offer. He doesn’t recognize that the create of a half woman has contributed to his repressed anger and frustration of feeling he is not enough. He then may love no woman or keep many half women as his prize. He doesn’t recognize that it’s his submersion in the imbalanced warrior culture, where violence is the means of getting respect and power, as the reason he can break the face of the woman who bore him four children.
When woman is lost, so is man. The truth is, woman is the window to a man’s heart and a man’s heart is the gateway to his soul.”
To the parents who walk away from those who bear the responsibility
You may never know the levels of pain and sacrifice permitted to raise your child. Nor will you be familiar with the strength cultivated by waking up, after a night of struggle & disquiet, to do what must be done to feed him. The selflessness that is required to care for him, when there are urgent matters within you that need to be attended to, is lost on you.
While you talk about what you plan to do in the future I am here providing for and guiding him.
Your ignorance of what it takes to raise your son spans lifetimes. You are unaware of the delicacy of his life pledged only to you, unconscious about the soul that receives directional depth & guidance from you. You know nothing about how your choices get shaped by that little body seeking protection beside yours.
Small developmental victories don’t wear your name. Thank you, we’re glad you came but…then you left and no amount of words describing what you plan to do can overcome that.
A good relationship ushers an intense sense of presence within me. Someone I don’t mind sitting in silence with until there are authentic words to speak. There’s no need to fill space with talk or activity - That person becomes my mirror, my calibrator, a safe haven, and yes, even the trigger for anger and intense negative emotions. All of this is an invitation to have a deeper understanding for what is going on within me. Because I can hardly think of a less productive activity than to blame someone else for how I feel. ~Karma
In the space between disillusion and wholeness I found us. Having lost all, including ourselves and each other, we were free to love purely. Fear existed only as a memory. More than content we were resting in absoluteness. And if all were to change tomorrow, so be it. We had lived in the past, avoided the present and seen the future. We had each other. And that was enough to rock the world, even & especially beyond ourselves.
We’ve shared our bodies and moments of space with gratuitous fervor. We agree we’ve been connected in lifetimes before. And still, my hair has grown more than us, this past year.
Knowing the cold reality of betrayal intimately and having no reason to trust in anything, he hides the parts of the man I love; the truly vulnerable one as well as the one who don’t give a fuck. Somewhere learning that a man with a purpose should not allow love, dedication, or desire, to slow his ascension.
One day, while he’s looking out for number one, he’ll turn around to find only himself in the place that love once stood.
I had just completed my homework for tantra and kundalini kriya class. It all seemed very systematic and ritualistic. I noticed nothing moving about the experience. As I sit in stillness, to observe the effect my Sadhana (daily practice given by my teacher) had on me, it happened. Suddenly, I was overcome, literally washed over, by great waves of pleasure. My hands began to move up my body. Then my body slithered like a snake, moans escaping my lips. Without warning, laughter; hysterical, spontaneous, unprovoked, pure-pleasure laughter erupted from within. I was out of control. Did I like it?
I couldn’t tell.
Moments later, as if testing this force that had overtaken me, I moved to my desk to get some work done. The waves were relentless; they kept coming. More unprompted laughter randomly erupted from deep within, deeper than the belly. This was a possession. It was at this moment I became less intrigued and more afraid.
I decided to forget the whole thing by way of sleep. My body had other ideas. Lying face down into the pillow, I felt my heart pulsing deeply & rhythmically, accompanied by a clear visualization of green light illuminating my heart. And then the energy, the ecstasy, pulsing through my sexual center. I couldn’t sleep. After much tossing & turning (and cursing of my teacher) and more spontaneous laughter, I found sleep.
The next day I awoke, after only 4 hours of rest, feeling fully revived and energized. The energy remained, but the overt pleasure had transformed into a more dormant desire & heat. The heat was felt in my thighs & a perpetual burning in my lower spine. This feeling continued and intensified throughout the day, to the point that I began to resist it. Even in the resistance it never left, it only transformed into a less pleasurable experience. Only after 48 hours did the feeling almost disappear. But the energy reserve remained an abyss. The fire was still burning.
What happened to me is what is known as a Kundalini Awakening - The awakening of the serpent energy that is said to lie dormant at the base of the spine. Up until this point, I was ignorant, believing that kundalini awakenings only happened to those who sought it out, and only to those who were so disciplined, spiritually, to the point of reaching enlightenment. I fit neither category. But the truth appears to be that it is a natural and healthy part of spiritual advancement.
My rendezvous with the serpent has caused me to look deeper into how we generate and expend energy. Sexual energy is more powerful than any other that we possess, yet we often reserve it just for sex. Using this source for fuel, for all aspects of life and not just sex and reproduction, has opened up an entirely new world of possibilities. I need less sleep on this new energy form and my creativity is bursting. It only makes sense; our sexual center is where creativity is housed. When we open and release that energy and give it permission to manifest itself in different ways, a new world of creation is opened to us.
**Warning: this type of awakening of energy can be harmful to the body if a person is not ready to receive it. The intensity may be more than you are ready for. It should not be forced. It can turn your reality upside down in ways you cannot begin to imagine. I advise practicing under a reputable teacher when dealing with the Tantric practice of Kundalini Yoga. **
Today I was disappointed by a family member. Feeling low, I decided to shut down and nap. When I awoke an answer hit me with the brightness of the sun….MY HEART IS EXPANDING!
The day I opened my heart…
I didn’t care so much about being alone. I wanted to share in the energy and the experiences of others. Giving to those I cared about, when they asked became something I enjoyed. The change didn’t happen overnight. In fact, it’s still happening. I notice my patterns of wanting to be alone still creeping in…but when placed in a situation where others are or might be around, I simply open myself up now.
I want to be around others and to be around those I love even when it means living closely together or sharing things or making sacrifices. I feel there is always a way to make the situation a win/win so that everyone benefits AND contributes.
I began to notice that being around others, when led by my heart, led to expansiveness and growth. No more deeply seeking for answers. I would find them through others, if I allowed myself to be open.
Fear began to dissipate and was replaced with a deep assurance that I am provided for.
Now I’m still a novice at this heart opening magic, but every day I make steps toward more love, more expansiveness. And the universe thanks me abundantly.